So, I went to the mall the other day because I wanted to meet the Society.
She came out of the try room for Nth time and asked for the (N+1)th time – “How do I look?”
“You look ok”- I said in a tired voice.
“Its not even nice?” – she asked in a tone mix of enquiry and threat
“Nope, not at all, in fact, you look funny in this dress”, – I said it.
She banged the try room door and thats when I knew its going to be an interesting evening ahead, it was just a matter of how much interesting now.
I turned around, only to see shop attendants discreetly passing mean looks to me like how could I spoil their sale with such an immature feedback. I could read their thoughts going : “What a loser, you look nice is the minimum acceptable feedback no matter how the girl looks!”
They were right. We walked out of the shop, rather, she walked out first keeping a distance of about 10 steps ahead of me. I tried catching up to her without losing my self-respect in front of other strangers in the mall.
I couldn’t just run up to her, that will make things too obvious. So, I brisk walked acting as if brisk walk is how I usually walk. You know that creepy smile that you get on your face when you are not being yourself, I had that creepy smile.
“What happened honey?”- I asked discreetly, knowing the answer myself
“Don’t you know what you did!” – she said the exact words I thought she will say.
“Yes, but I was just being honest in my feedback, can’t I be that. Do you want me to lie about how you look everytime?” – regretting the use of word ‘everytime’ immediately.
Of course, YES — screamed my historical experience.
When did you become so stupid? You have been dealing with this species for a decade now. What were you expecting from her — ‘No, I don’t want you lie, tell me whenever I look bad, and yah, fat too, please.’
‘You have no right to insult me in public?’ – she tactfully changed the course of a direct conversation about lying to insulting. That was really insulting to me but I wisely decided to let it go.
That moment I thought to myself what would have happened if I had actually insulted her in public. You know just screamed shit at her like an old drunk guy for no fucking reason. She is left crying in the middle of the mall for no fault of her. I could not imagine it for long becuase you see, that would have been really bad.
Besides, why do women always use big words like ‘Insult’ and ‘Rights’ over petty issues. Its a bit offensive to those words, don’t you agree?
If it had been me, I would have probably said, “I didn’t like what you said”, You know keeping it simple, keeping it real, not making it sound like a breach of some memorandum of understanding b/w men and women communities worldwide. Anyway.
“Ok, honey, I am sorry, I didn’t mean it”, – I said without meaning it.
Have you noticed 90% of fights b/w couples constitute of men claiming that she over-reacted and women lamenting about the massive insensitive nature of men.
Couldn’t a basic understanding of each other’s genetic combinations save them a lot of repetitive trouble. If not anything else, we will explore new dimensions of fights everyday, making it bit more interesting.
She remained quiet after my repetitive apologies. I realised, ‘multiple apologies at the same time’ never work. Here is how it goes:
Men say, – ‘I am Sorry, I am really sorry, wont do it again, please honey, lets not waste the evening, I am really really really sorry!’
Women interpretation, – ” Ok, so he said Sorry, that’s not enough, fuck the evening!”
I had learnt (from my previous fights, duh) to just say sorry once and then, judge her reaction to plan my next move.
Still standing 10 steps behind her, I started weighing my available tool set:
‘Say sorry again’- Negative,
‘Buy a gift’- Negative (No money+too much effort but majorly, no money),
‘Give it Time’ – Positive (also, the only option)
Experience tells you to not take things too seriously, most situations have happened before and will happen again unless you die which will be really serious but it wont matter because remember, you are fucking dead.
After finalizing my next move, a sense of composure insinuated my body language. I begin to walk beside her asking a series of random questions facing highly objective replies. For example:
“What do you wish to do now?”
So, we went directly towards the parking lot, quietly heading back home. It wasn’t a good silence though. You know when you are sitting with your best friend, both of you are quiet, but still it feels awesome becuase you are best friends. This moment was exact opposite of that feeling.
I kept reiterating the importance of time in such critical situations. I kept making important decisions like playing her favorite music channel on the radio or mine. She won’t say it but she will note it. I love it when her thoughts start playing in my thoughts, there should be an FIR for this.
We reached home, as silently as an i10 car engine allows.
“Never sleep on a fight”, — usual advice by other married couples.
My experience, – “Never sleep too many nights on the same fight but yah, buy yourself some free nights from time to time”
You see, fights are like mini-rehab esp. for men (maybe for women too, but I am not sure).
I get to sleep with my dirty shoes, lock myself in a room, check wifi connection, have a drink, and peacefully do whatever I like for the rest of the night. A married man does not have wild fantasies, this is as wild as it gets! (fuck, did I just write that)
Moving on, mornings bring in a “Jo Hua, so hua” kind of freshness for the lack of better expression. Usually, an apt time to re-test the situation.
I re-checked with my fight tool kit::
Say Sorry Again : Positive
The upcoming sorry is to judge how much of the damage is healed during the night. I went up to her, “Hey, baby, Sorry”, while trying to cuddle. I am looking for positive cues here:
“Did she allow me to cuddle?”, ” Did she not react with a stern objective response”, “Did she possess that calm look in her eyes?”
Cumulative results of such positive signs defines the no. of days left before we hit normalcy.
Thats the best period of the fight when you know for sure that things will be fine, but its not yet fine, so, you got few more fantasy nights in store for yourself. Its like when you are about to have an orgasm, those last 4-5 seconds, this feeling is not exactly like that but thats the only example I can think of right now.
You live these days like a man (I mean by not bathing and not explaining every action of yours) until things hit normal and you get back to the grind of a married life, by which, I mean — discussing my next mall shopping visit for the upcoming weekend!
Happy fighting, its got a bad rep. Peace.