My Conversation about Melbourne Intl Comedy Festival

Since its very difficult to talk to a third person in the right context, I spoke to the person inside me about the experience at Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Dear Sumit

Its alrite! you are working on it!

I know I am but what is this about

About your Melbourne trip?

What about it? It went quite well, I did well in 80% of the shows, ok 70% and it was the first time in Melbourne (Posh city, I must say, if must I say, plus PC crowd). I built my material in India but performing in Australia, cut some loose man.

Well, its nice to have a positive spin on it, our memories are quite liberal, if I may say and helps you to reduce your cognitive dissonance about whether or not you are a good person or for that matter, a good comic.

I am not putting any spin on it, I am telling you like it is. You know how hard it is to think of something in Dwarka, New Delhi and seeing if its making people in Melbourne laugh! Wait a fucking second man! First, relate to a third world experience beyond the stereotypes and then, also find it amusing for their taste. Moreover, I grew up in Rohtak, so not a lot of help there in terms of fitting in.

Well, it is hard. Nobody is doubting that but you chose that as your career (hardly a choice since you pretty much failed in everything else). “Its hard” cant be a defence or be used as any form of solace. Also, you are an upper cast hindu male living in urban India who thinks about jokes all day in air conditioned room, its not really that hard, is it!

First of all, AC was broke twice last week. Moreover, leave my privilege out of this, I realise that I get to do what I do out of my privilege, thats already stored in the long term memory of my brain right next to “Jerk off Sumit, its been a week” and “You suck at playing Instruments”. The hard part starts after that! My privilege doesn’t help me write better jokes, it allows me to write jokes for a living! Get that!

Well, I being the rational part of your brain disagree, I think your privilege lets you do the whole thing. But in any case, do not take this personally, you did alright but not as good as you expected, can we agree on that?

I guess we can. BUT I did my best.

Of course you did your best, whose best can you do anyway! You can’t do Daniel Kitson best, for example! You can’t do Hannah Gadsby best! (Also, my top 2 favourite comics from the trip, here is a third one – Rohan Ganju)

I mean, I learnt my lessons and will apply them from now onwards.

Ok, what lessons would that be?

To stay where you belong and not overestimate your worth as a person or a comic, for that matter!

Excuse me? (Wow! I just said “Excuse me” to myself)

I mean, to write even better jokes, I don’t know what else to say! I am just 4 years in comedy and also, 4 years into any art form. Before that, it was all “Society” stuff — “What should I do with my life” stuff, “Beta, kya plan hai fir zindagi ka” stuff, “Ye Din mein kya sochte rehte ho” stuff, “Khana kha lo ache se roj” stuff, that shit counts for nothing except maybe, some initial fodder for cheap material. Also, I must remind you that “Art and Culture” is not at the forefront of Haryana, its “Jat and …ok I am really sorry”

Fair enough! Have you written anything since you have come back

Writing now..Somebody switch on the AC please!

Performing @ The Comedy Store, London

(Skip to the bottom if you want to see the performance clip directly)

I am writing a blog post after a long time, hence, will be using a lot of cuss words to make up for my bad phrasing, and in general, poor writing.

When I was writing at my best i.e when I started writing, I used to prefer 2 cuss words per sentence. Hence, Lo and Behold dicks and vaginas.

Pehli Baar Milen Hain

The moment I stood in front of The Comedy store, London, something moved inside me, I dont know what it was. As far as I can tell, it must be the movements from the food poisoning I was suffering at that time. However, in my brain, several emotions played on loop.

I stood aloof outside The Comedy Store staring at the staff selling flyers for the show. All I wanted to do was kiss them, all of them. Yes, kiss and for some fucked up reason, touch their feet, I don’t know why I felt that. It felt ok to me at that moment. I finalised on shaking hands and dignity.

screen-shot-2017-01-14-at-3-05-29-pm
The Guy

I recorded few words, it sounds pompous in hindsight, but modesty is overrated, I feel. Here is a video about viewers discretion advised:

Inside the Store, it immediately felt unique, and I realised that its almost impossible to replicate this Store. I mean, they do have a standard setup but like any other place, its not abt the color of the chairs, or the acoustics of the sound or even the stage setup, its common knowledge that its about how many potential whores per square cm are available for comics; successful comics.

You can stop reading now. I am an Idiot.

Thank you. What I am trying to say though its about the vibe, the culture, the feel, the people inside much beyond the typical and essentially, replicable setup.

The first conversation I had with the guy who handles bags at The Store went like this:

Hey man, so I can sit anywhere I like during the show? – I asked

Yeah, except this one *pointing at his own chair* – said he.

I giggled, judged him for a sec, judged myself for giggling like a stupid cunt without a comeback and started strolling around the store. Here is a video about nothing, it features Jerry Seinfeld.

Did you spot Jerry Seinfeld in that video? Keep watching until you are a Genius.

SHOWTIME – THE KING GONG SHOW

Tonight was the King Gong show which can be summed up as: “A concept you will only like if you can do well in it” else its just unfair, you know.

To be fair, it is actually unfair, but what really is life, if not unfair! It will be such a boring world if everything is fair all the time. Like you deserve a Donut and then you just get it. Makes me sick!

WHAT IS THIS GONG SHOW, SUMIT?

Its a brutal brutal (told you about bad phrasing) night, hecklers are welcome, whaaaat! Yes.

Audience gets to raise a flag, and gong you out the moment they dont like you, and you will be highly surprised how quickly they don’t like you.

Comics are supposed to last 5 minutes before getting flagged by 3 audience members. If you last 5 minutes, you get to suck your own dick (strictly, one time). They have a dick stick back stage in London, popularity of which was eventually lost to selfie stick in our culture.

Anyway, here is the MC (and Comedian) Ian Moore starting the brutal (again!) show:

“TONIGHT, we have to ensure that we crush these 30 odd participants’ dreams, yesssss” – Said a warm Host

Audience – “Yeahhhh lets crush these fragile insecure open fucking micers'”

“Are there any Americans in the house?” – Host

“Yeahhhh” – Loud cheer from the back

“Be yourself tonight” – Host

“Fuck you man” – Mimicking the feel

“Thats a good start, we are ready to begin the night!” – Host

Now, you are probably thinking – I get the idea you piece of shit over-writer, tell me how did you feel up there?

First of all, I didn’t last 5 minutes on stage, I lasted 4 minutes 58 secs. Yes. I missed by 2 secs. I always wanted to suck my own dick but God insists on a partner. Back to the article:

Means, the third guy who raised the flag had enough of me and couldn’t even see a second more of my comedy. He decided on hating me at exactly 4:58 secs. To be fair to him, my expectations was high from him. At that moment, I was asking him to tolerate me for double the amount that he wanted to. Thats a lot and percentages are great.

Sumit, How did you feel up there, was the question?

Ok. Ok.

I constantly felt like I will be happier if the mic gets turned off for some reason, oh sorry, that was at my grandpa funeral.

Here, I felt like I lost all the power that a mic usually gives you. I cant fuck with the audience, however, they can, even though we all know they don’t know shit about comedy or their job (whatever that is).

Its like someone pushes you from the top of a mountain. If you watch it on TV, it may that I am enjoying the ride but I have no power, no control, I am just doing the best I can which is nothing. I felt like just say the words you know and leave it to god, or talent if you are an atheist.

In the end, I would like to say that I didn’t win the competition but I won many hearts – Vomit on this line with me for a sec or two, burps also accepted.

Here is a long clip from my short performance:

3 years ago, first time I did Stand Up

I aint making this up, here is my real conversation with a friend —

Me : ‘Dude, I did this music gig yesterday, and as I started playing, people started laughing. And then I talked, they started laughing even more. It was a fucking music gig. Why the fuck were they laughing? I think I should try stand up comedy!’

Friend : ‘Do it man, what’s the worse can happen, you will be booed off stage, so what?’

Me : ‘Yah man, I have been booed off all my life — hahahaha — how bad can the fucking stage be..(Clearly, I wasnt funny)’

Friend : ‘And listen, they all talk about the same old things, you know that?’

Me : ‘Yah I know about that, I will talk about sex and masturbation, legalizing marijuana, thrash religion, shit about my marriage and women, and you know what, fuck these lying politicians, democracy is flawad…bamm’

Friend: ‘Exactly dude, you don’t even need jokes sometimes, just stay fucking confident and original about it. Sometimes you just say a regular line on stage and people lose their shit..’

Me : ‘Dude, this is going to be life changing, I am so pumped now..’

And after this enlightening talk dissecting the art of Standup in about 3 minutes, I registered for some stand up competition and there you go, I am up on stage for the first time (Can’t believe I had a hat on for some reason).

And Oh-my-dear-God, by the time I was expecting 4-5 applause breaks, all I could manage to gather were death stares, yes, death stares — you know what death stares are — they are stares which can cause immediate death. I hope all your enemies experience them.

But here is a thing, as stupid as my first conversation sounds about stand up, I have to say, we did make some valid points.

Before your first time, you do think with originality, you just don’t know how to fucking pull it off.

Standing on stage and commenting about impactful things you see in society, that needs much more than your damn stupid content.

Its your authority, the energy in the room, your likability, all that is fucking way more imp. than your lame ass jokes; also your shivering body language is only making things worse. I just didn’t know that, but, dude, here is another thing —

Bill Burr said, — ‘The first time you go on stage, you have a voice, that is your voice and then you lose it. You inevitably fall into the shitty routines everybody takes doing stand up — you try to be funny which is hardly funny, you talk about pigeons and cars and airplanes like everyone else, you say things you don’t really mean, and then it takes you fucking years and years to find that original voice again!’

I know all this is not relevant to you if you are not a comic or not interested in comedy, then why don’t you do one thing — get the fuck out of here. This is my blog, I know where I am at, Nigger. My title wasn’t even misleading.

Anyway, 10 years from now, it will be hilarious to see me talking about legalized marijuana (hopefully).

Albeit, I don’t think I will thrash religion anymore, clearly my wife is way funnier. Only my un-born kids can beat her.

Peace bitches, until next rant..

Amanda

Morning coffee is brewing, cat is lying silent on the sofa, there is a sad quietness about the apartment, it wasn’t always like that.

Amanda picked up her coffee and looked out of her apartment window to see morning traffic, and more importantly, a purpose in everyones’ eyes.

She misses that about her. She had it all her life, still remembers the first time she entered that huge glass building carrying that anger in disbelief. The odds were all against her, but she couldnot be less bothered.

Receptionist : ‘May I help you, mam?’

Amanda : ‘I need to see the president’

‘Do you have an appointment?’

‘Pls tell him, its Amanda’

‘I am sorry, you will have to wait’

Amanda quickly sneaked into presidents’ office, receptionist came rushing behind yelling, : ‘Mam, you can’t go in just like that!’. Amanda had enough time to open the president door and tell him, ‘You can’t ignore me forever, I need to speak to you right away’.

Receptionist : ‘Ram, I asked her to wait outside. She didn’t follow’

President Ram signalled her that its ok, let her come in.

Wasting no time in courtesies, Amanda blasted :

‘Its been 7 days, How many phone calls would one need to get a response from you’

“I understand where you are coming from, but I can’t help you in this matter’

‘She was a top performer in the job, she didn’t get a raise for 2 years, and when that didn’t break her, you had to get down to gender to find a reason’

‘Amanda, the company is going through a tough period, it has nothing to do with her’

‘How many times will you be able to say this in court?’

‘Do you have anything else to add. I have meetings lined up’

‘I am afraid you won’t be able to say that in court. I will see you soon.’

Amanda’s apartment bell rang. It was the grocery guy who also delivers newspapers.

Amanda read the headline : ‘Gender equality : are we making progress?’. Amanda soul wanted to shout, ‘No and we never will’, but she didn’t want to scare her Cat, she is all she got now.

Amanda worked for gender equality for 25 years, won numerous cases, changed many lives, never got around to get married.

She had few guys in her life, but that’s exactly what changed her forever. She went on dates, had great night-outs, it all seemed wonderful.

All her relationships were like most marriages in the world today — everything always looked great from outside, but she was the one who could see though them. She had had enough experience dealing with this breed, mostly in courts irrespective.

She couldn’t be the victim of the cause she dedicated her life to, no matter in what capacity. It was too crushing for her to handle.

Eventually, she would opt out of all her relationship not giving a reason why. Guys would call her a maniac, and that would just further convince her about the choice she made.

Till date, she doesn’t know how to feel about her relationships. They gave her the truth, but the truth broke her life.

Amanda finished her coffee, closed the apartments’ window, served the cat, and continued with the next season of South Park. She finds south park funny. South park is actually funny.

Singapore : You amaze me!

Hello

I am talking about Singapore and things you get here. If you are from a 3rd world nation, which you probably are, this would be right moment to unclick this click. No, seriously, I mean it. Go back. You see the (x) sign on the top right section ( top left section for mac), click it.

Ok, if you insist, Singapore amazes me and its sad becuase these are thigns that I should not be amazed about. Getting clean water from the kitchen tap (also, the toilet tap) 24 hours a day should not be a thing I need to write about, you know.

I was actually blown away by unlimited Internet. I checked with the service provider like 5 times:

Me : ‘So, you are telling that there is absolutely no limit of download’

Operator : ‘Yes sir’

Me : ‘This shit is fast man, and I can download like 100, forget it, like 1000 GB fucking shit. No fair value usage bullshit in which 5 days after the billing cycle, service provider is harassing online for more money. Are you sure?’

Opeartor : ‘Sir, I understand you came from a hugely populated limited resources country, but you get this much as a Human sir. I am sure you are a Human sir’

Me : *Teary Eyes* ‘Yes, I am a human, thanks for the reminder’

You see, he was right, I should not be amazed about the proper usage of an invention, esp. after 2 decades of its invention.

I dealt with a property dealer for like 3 days. Me and my wife were constantly worried dealing with her ( yes, she was a woman and a property dealer and why am I writing to clarify that).

We were confused, and vulnerable throughout, you know constantly thinking the obvious — Why is she not lying to us?, why is everything she said until now is turning out to be exactly true? She said the house will be like this and it turned out to be like that, we had already discounted 50% from her definition and now, it looks like a 50% bonus.

I walk out to the road, and go — ‘Ohhh, this is how you actually drive cars. That video games level turns are just suitable for video games. Yellow lights have a purpose. All those white color paintings on the road are actually called lane instructions. Ok. ‘

Now I know some of it may sound silly and it is silly and thats the fucking thing that of course, I shouldn’t be amazed about the existance of the phenomenon – ‘Escalator manners’ as a 30 years old man (ok fine, 30 year old boy.) ( And I know half of you don’t know it either, google kar lo)

I do stand up and people tend to listen politely even if I suck ( Plug In : Check out my Stand Up Videos) because its basic courtesy to at least listen to someone who is having a heart attack on stage. Even when they don’t understand my Indian accent, but they still sit and try which is so beautiful.

I would come back to New Delhi and somewhere in my heart (bcos my brain won’t allow me) expect the same courtesy from Delhi crowd, which I undertand should be crushed in about 3 minutes.

Now, I understand poeple who leave the country and don’t intend to come back. I understood it earlier too, but now, its like more clearer. You know how you watch Inception for the fifth time, and begin to understand like 2-3% of it, that kind of clarity.

I try to explain people back home that this shit is quite amazing. They dont completely get it until I explain it  to them in this one liner definition:

Me : ”Basically mom, subah uth kar motor nahi chalani hai’

Mom : ‘Ohh! to aise batao na, badiya lag raha hai bahut’

Its creepy as shit, but yah, I cant wait to be back because if I stay here long, I wont be amazed anymore by the basics of life which is such a beautiful feeling to have sometimes, dont you think?

I can’t wait to feel the shit again so that regular life looks amazing.

Maybe I can.

Peace.

The anatomy of fights in a relationship

So, I went to the mall the other day because I wanted to meet the Society.

She came out of the try room for Nth time and asked for the (N+1)th time – “How do I look?”

“You look ok”- I said in a tired voice.

“Its not even nice?” – she asked in a tone mix of enquiry and threat

“Nope, not at all, in fact, you look funny in this dress”, – I said it.

She banged the try room door and thats when I knew its going to be an interesting evening ahead, it was just a matter of how much interesting now.

I turned around, only to see shop attendants discreetly passing mean looks to me like how could I spoil their sale with such an immature feedback. I could read their thoughts going : “What a loser, you look nice is the minimum acceptable feedback no matter how the girl looks!”

They were right. We walked out of the shop, rather, she walked out first keeping a distance of about 10 steps ahead of me. I tried catching up to her without losing my self-respect in front of other strangers in the mall.

I couldn’t just run up to her, that will make things too obvious. So, I brisk walked acting as if brisk walk is how I usually walk. You know that creepy smile that you get on your face when you are not being yourself, I had that creepy smile.

“What happened honey?”- I asked discreetly, knowing the answer myself

“Don’t you know what you did!” – she said the exact words I thought she will say.

“Yes, but I was just being honest in my feedback, can’t I be that. Do you want me to lie about how you look everytime?” – regretting the use of word ‘everytime’ immediately.

Of course, YES — screamed my historical experience.

When did you become so stupid? You have been dealing with this species for a decade now. What were you expecting from her — ‘No, I don’t want you lie, tell me whenever I look bad, and yah, fat too, please.’

‘You have no right to insult me in public?’ – she tactfully changed the course of a direct conversation about lying to insulting. That was really insulting to me but I wisely decided to let it go.

That moment I thought to myself what would have happened if I had actually insulted her in public. You know just screamed shit at her like an old drunk guy for no fucking reason. She is left crying in the middle of the mall for no fault of her. I could not imagine it for long becuase you see, that would have been really bad.

Besides, why do women always use big words like ‘Insult’ and ‘Rights’ over petty issues. Its a bit offensive to those words, don’t you agree?

If it had been me, I would have probably said, “I didn’t like what you said”, You know keeping it simple, keeping it real, not making it sound like a breach of some memorandum of understanding b/w men and women communities worldwide. Anyway.

“Ok, honey, I am sorry, I didn’t mean it”, – I said without meaning it.

Have you noticed 90% of fights b/w couples constitute of men claiming that she over-reacted and women lamenting about the massive insensitive nature of men.

Couldn’t a basic understanding of each other’s genetic combinations save them a lot of repetitive trouble. If not anything else, we will explore new dimensions of fights everyday, making it bit more interesting.

She remained quiet after my repetitive apologies. I realised, ‘multiple apologies at the same time’ never work. Here is how it goes:

Men say, – ‘I am Sorry, I am really sorry, wont do it again, please honey, lets not waste the evening, I am really really really sorry!’

Women interpretation, – ” Ok, so he said Sorry, that’s not enough, fuck the evening!”

I had learnt (from my previous fights, duh) to just say sorry once and then, judge her reaction to plan my next move.

Still standing 10 steps behind her, I started weighing my available tool set:

‘Say sorry again’- Negative,

‘Buy a gift’- Negative (No money+too much effort but majorly, no money),

‘Give it Time’ – Positive (also, the only option)

Experience tells you to not take things too seriously, most situations have happened before and will happen again unless you die which will be really serious but it wont matter because remember, you are fucking dead.

After finalizing my next move, a sense of composure insinuated my body language. I begin to walk beside her asking a series of random questions facing highly objective replies. For example:

“What do you wish to do now?”

“Home!”

So, we went directly towards the parking lot, quietly heading back home. It wasn’t a good silence though. You know when you are sitting with your best friend, both of you are quiet, but still it feels awesome becuase you are best friends. This moment was exact opposite of that feeling.

I kept reiterating the importance of time in such critical situations. I kept making important decisions like playing her favorite music channel on the radio or mine. She won’t say it but she will note it. I love it when her thoughts start playing in my thoughts, there should be an FIR for this.

We reached home, as silently as an i10 car engine allows.

“Never sleep on a fight”, — usual advice by other married couples.

My experience, – “Never sleep too many nights on the same fight but yah, buy yourself some free nights from time to time”

You see, fights are like mini-rehab esp. for men (maybe for women too, but I am not sure).

I get to sleep with my dirty shoes, lock myself in a room, check wifi connection, have a drink, and peacefully do whatever I like for the rest of the night. A married man does not have wild fantasies, this is as wild as it gets! (fuck, did I just write that)

Moving on, mornings bring in a “Jo Hua, so hua” kind of freshness for the lack of better expression. Usually, an apt time to re-test the situation.

I re-checked with my fight tool kit::

Say Sorry Again : Positive

The upcoming sorry is to judge how much of the damage is healed during the night. I went up to her, “Hey, baby, Sorry”, while trying to cuddle. I am looking for positive cues here:

“Did she allow me to cuddle?”, ” Did she not react with a stern objective response”, “Did she possess that calm look in her eyes?”

Cumulative results of such positive signs defines the no. of days left before we hit normalcy.

Thats the best period of the fight when you know for sure that things will be fine, but its not yet fine, so, you got few more fantasy nights in store for yourself. Its like when you are about to have an orgasm, those last 4-5 seconds, this feeling is not exactly like that but thats the only example I can think of right now.

You live these days like a man (I mean by not bathing and not explaining every action of yours) until things hit normal and you get back to the grind of a married life, by which, I mean — discussing my next mall shopping visit for the upcoming weekend!

Happy fighting, its got a bad rep. Peace.

The Top Ten Million Things To Hear When You’re 30

Ashish Shakya

I turned 30 last week and the second the clock struck midnight, I transformed into a mature, sensible gentleman who has his life all figured out and has stopped thinking of salads as “culinary depression”. It’s not like I stumbled home at 6 a.m. and spent the day in boxers, surrounded by my closest friends, cake, beer and biryani. Nope, not at all.

Things are supposed to change now because we’ve bought into the idea that 30 is a significant age, and that it is vastly different from 29. And it probably is, if you’re comparing insurance premiums. Even science suggests that decade-changes are when people tend to reflect and take stock and then panic, which is ridiculous because age is just a number and has no bearing on your real life, if you exclude factors like money, health, stability, security and responsibility.

It doesn’t help that there are about…

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I don’t know my passion, can I even talk?

Do you know that you won’t know when will you miss the bus to be respected among your own generation.

I was never a great kid albeit always a ‘not so bad’ one and naughty which basically means I had a working brain. Anyway, I never had a band or could play the guitar at the age of 12 (I played when I was 24 when all the girls were already taken by 12 years old playing Ronan Keating numbers), or submerged my childhood learning about gravity and falling apples; never did any of such things.

But as it turns out, it wouldn’t matter if you turn out to be an Entrepreneur today. Yeah, thats it, thats all the tag you need. As long as you have that excel sheet projecting the next 5 years of your shitty mobile application crunching thousands of crores, nobody is interested in your 10th grade Maths score.

And to top-up respect (yes you can), just remember the names of 2-3 private equity funders, have one of their numbers stored as your speed dial, you are the dude, dude! Fuck those people still doing 9 to 5 jobs, none of them match your coolness.

I love how society just keeps re-defining success like Salman Khan redefined virginity or how Sanjay Dutt redefined imprisonment or recently, how Kiran Bedi redefined Kiran Bedi.

In college, we aimed at having a career which automatically implied having a job. If we had to be cool, tricking any girl to be your girlfriend was just about enough.

If you had both a job and a girlfriend, you were making everybody envious to the extent that they all were praying for you to get married, just to level the playing field again.

However, having a job today means as much as having a dad or a mom or a working dick. It’s basically nothing to boast about unless of course that one night during your MBA when you get placed and sloshed at the same night.

Even then, the only people you can call about your ‘in your head’ success are your parents. But remember, they are not happy at you nailing an interview with your supreme skills called lying.

First of all, your mom doesn’t understand when you tell her you are going to be an “Equity Research Analyst” at this KPO. It also explains her next question “In hand kitna hai beta?” because that will define how much of their money can now stay in their hand.

Anyway, today the statement to remember is “Live your Passion and you don’t have to work a day” — Boy, now we are talking.

You get complete freedom about what you wish to define as your passion. From a DJ to a flute master to a street guitarist, anything. You can even fake it like a woman in bed, just keep your shit believably cool.

Add to that, few statements about how 9 to 5 sucks, how you can’t belive people are still doing desk jobs, how your life has turned upside down and you are getting a blow job every other night now, it’s sorted.

I have no fucking problems with that either, but don’t be going around bashing people doing jobs. Don’t put any status update starting:

‘I could never get this at that desk job but now…..”

When you are going to expand your billion dollar company, you might want to consider one of those people who will be happy to work with you. You know ‘Jobs’ is what they will be doing for you.

Still, Entrepreneurs come out and go ‘I don’t belive how people can still do jobs?”

Well, I can.

And for once, have a look at those people family picture. Look at the face of his father who did the same job for 60 years, took the same damn route, rode the same bicycle everyday. His son, at least, is making new presentations every week. He even bought car last month, by the time his dad had levelled up to a scooter, it was already retirement time.

For me, you are a star son as long as you do more than your dad did.

Also, we need someone to take orders at McDonald’s, I am sure that nobodys’ passion.

How MLM companies like QNET still allowed to exist?

I thought the last we will hear about will be Amway selling rubbish products which people only call useful after realizing they have been fooled, and have no other alternative to save their self respect.

Unfortuantely, the one I keep hearing abot now is QNET!

My issues with them have surpassed the amount my parents have with my lifestyle.

First up, get a fucking office. They have literally bombarded all coffee shops across the city. As much as I feel good about my favorite coffee shops getting business out of these fuckers, it also completely spoils my precious quiet time.

At the adjacent table, I will even prefer listening to aunties kitty party stories, or guys vomiting shit to girls trying to get laid than one of these MLM fuckers selling false dreams hitting people insecurities.

Pointwise, I am going to break down their whole pitch today:

1. An Illusion that you are the lucky one getting to know about them, not everyone gets to know about this life changing proposition

Really! Don’t go far honey, just take a walk around the coffee shop itself. 6 out of 9 tables have your quasi brothers fucking with cute looking innocent people. It looks like you are now more popular than Koutons 50% sale, doesn’t sound that exclusive anymore, does it?

2. Are you happy in your present job?

Fuck you! If he was happy, he wouldn’t have agreed to meet your foolish ass today. His mere presence here is implying that he is looking for a better life. In other words, just the fish you were looking to catch today.

3. How much money have you made in your present job in the last decade?

Another trick question. You know it does not matter, its just not enough, not satisfactory, that’s it. Again, you are playing on his insecurities.

Listening to you, I feel those life insurance salesmen may not be the worst people on the planet.

4. Sample of 2 guys who bought an Audi doing MLM?

There are more cases of people raking a package of crores from IIMs, but that does not make it a reality for everyone.

You wouldn’t talk much about the other 98% who even after guttering down money into your shit, still have their jobs, kids and insecurities to take care of, would you?

4. You don’t have to work hard?

Oh my fucking god, This blows my mind. Why in the world is anyone doing anything else at all!

Just listen to the sugar coated proposition so far — I don’t have to work hard to make millions of money, I can leave my job, buy audis and hey, you never know, get that threesome I always wanted for myself (featuring 2 girls this time!)

Why didn’t you come to life earlier you piece of shit. I have been kicking my ass in my job for nearly a decade now

I really want to meet these losers, and plead that for once, look at the faces of people you have picked, look at their faces closely one more time, they look paler than a dog who just got his chicken stolen by a flyng eagle, its a fucking crime what you do.

Work is unethical — Listening to them, I have new found respect for Antilla builders.

Your products suck — Nobody is visiting Europe and choosing to stay in that exact city for a period of 7 days, just to get a refund of the money already spent. Esp. when breakfast is not included.

No clarity on Money — All buzzwords. Its great, better than my job, I am happy today, blah blah blah. We already have enough people selling on buzzwords (Real estate, MBA, fucking even healthcare now), save yourself the trouble.

They suck, and before I vomit writing more about them, if anyone of you have been approached, please save yourself the trouble.

Instead, use that time to learn some shit, anything, fucking watch TV at home all day. Peace.

Dude, where the fuck are the Airplanes?

“Uth Ja, Ek aur plane gayab ho gaya hai!”, – my mom shouted from the kitchen this morning. Evidently, not exactly the way I had planned my Sunday morning to begin.

I woke up half an hour later realising I am not the most affected person in the incident, and scanned the TV screen for those familiar words, also known as ‘Malaysian Airlines’. Surprisingly, it was nowhere to be found. Instead, Air Asia red coloured logo, (this time vaguely resembling Hitlers’ Nazi army logo) was found flashing all over the screen.

I immediately decoded the common pattern between this and the last missing plane, its ‘Asia’ guys. The common factor is ‘Asia’. Lets wrap our heads to decode these missing planes mystery while we sip masala chai from the comfort of our sofas.

My TV screen totally did not miss out on the regular memes around missing Airplane story. We have all heard them before : ‘Airline is issuing a statement in an hour’, ‘Rescue operations are underwa’, ’42 minutes, yes, 42 minutes after take off, the plane lost connection to the base station’. Most of the statements seemed as if they were copied from the last Airplane missing story.

I suspect as the news came in, someone from Air Asia staff went to the “Tragedy Meme stock room”( yes, it must exist) at the Airport:

Staff Hey, we have a new situation, I need the relevant memes?”
Guy Alright, ‘Plane Abduction’ and ‘Airplane crashing into a building’ ones are ready right here.
Staff No, it’s the missing Airline?
Guy What? Another one? I don’t have that one ready yet
Staff Why?
Guy Malaysian Airlines have not returned them yet. They believed its only them who could pull such a darn thing off.
Staff Well, when it comes to competition in stupidity, we believe nothing is beyond our capabilities.
Guy Ok, assholes. Give me an hour, I will make another sad copy for your lame asses.

Personally, I believe if there are more incidents of a tragedy than the no. of wallets I lose in a year, the concerned authority is not particularly doing a good job of it. In 2014, I lost my wallet once, and 2 Airplanes went missing, somebody needs to be more motivated in his job every morning.

I am not even counting the one which was blasted off in the air by a missile, like it’s a fucking Video Game, or a  B-grade Tamil movie action sequence. Unfortunately, there was no Shaktimaan in that plane who came out seconds before the missile made contact, saving hundreds of lives and reinstating his position as a Global Superhero. It was as real as it could ever get. Till today, I am surprised how more people are talking about “Its been a great year post” than that hell of a live incident.

Anyway, Blogs across the globe have done their bit by writing ‘Breaking News’ in 50 different fonts to figure out which one grabs the most attention, leading to more traffic, leading to more subscribers, leading to more Money, and that’s it. Why do people stop thinking at Money and don’t go beyond it? I will always question that like an old wanker, but that’s for another day to write about.

Future news around the missing airplane is pretty predictable — 50 different theories of what could have happened to the plane will see the light of the day. Since it’s the second time around, buggers have more permutations to play with while they are taking a shit in their respective toilets.  For example:

Two tragedies are connected, both the planes have been taken to a secret location where passengers are tortured and kept as slaves for the rest of their lives

Terrorists are playing ‘One blast in the air, One drown in the sea’ game. In 3 months, we shall see another plane blasted off by a missile
It’s all coming from U.S.A. They are funding these operations to keep the terror alive so that they have someone to bomb, while their friends at US Arms companies continue buying the costliest champagne in their house parties

See, the outcomes are endless. I just gave you three theories, and I am not even taking a dump. So, it’s not like I am on my creative high.

Sincerely though, I hope I am able to believe next time any airline says ‘Air travel is still the safest way to travel’. As unrealistic as it seems now, I also hope my mom wakes me up tom. morning screaming, “Uth ja. Dekh, Mil gaya plane, saare zinda hai”.

Hope is a good thing, but I am losing it with each passing month, and with each passing news story.